always one foot on the ground.

I'm pretty certain that my most recent ex-boyfriend is ignoring me.

This is distressing in a number of ways, mainly because I think I've gotten old enough that I appreciate people for who they are, and not necessarily for a specific role that they fulfill for me. That said, while the places belonging to "boyfriend" and "lover" may seem somewhat disposable in my life - I truly miss "friend."

That said, I am also just annoyed at getting ignored. I get criticized, I get blamed, I get scolded and I get over analyzed. But I don't ever get ignored.

Yeah, that was a bit of petulance right there. I'd be intolerable if I were an only child.

Fuck it, I'm a good person. Or at least mostly good, and self aware enough to realize when I am not.

I'm putting together my next mix in my head. It is tentatively titled "I am falling in like and lust with you and you and you," to which my friend Allison commented "Oh, so it's your slut CD?"

Uh, sure.

Ironically, for the quasi-reputation that my uncensored mouth and my flirting and writing has earned me, I still haven't actually had sex with more people than the smallest number that cannot be represented as a sum of less than four non-zero squares. Still, I think I've had plenty of time to figure out what good sex is and what bad sex is, and that I find no sex to be absolutely preferable to mediocre sex. Perhaps it is a bit self absorbed and conceited to think this - but unless I'm picky, it's just not gonna be a particularly fair trade. And I like equality. Or rather, I like orgasms. Specifically, mine. And I like getting what I like, but really - if it's too much trouble, I can figure it out by myself.

I'd prefer a warm body pressing up against my back, and a tangle of elbows and legs and arms and hipbones and fingers and sleepy smiles in the morning. I'd prefer hands perfectly shaped to my tits, and I'd prefer my hair getting pulled until I scream obscenities at no one in particular, and perhaps at a God I'll willingly suspend my disbelief for(for a couple minutes). I'd prefer the smell of clean skin and soft hair and the feel of cold hands on my back, and neck, and waist, and thighs.

But - based on an objective analysis of the options actually currently and readily available to me, I'd still prefer to take matters into my own hands(so to speak).

Perhaps after a couple weeks, I'll be frustrated enough to change my mind.

But for now, I'm doing just fine.