I'll be the one to hold the gun.

I met someone a couple days ago, and had a pretty good time. He was just enough awkward to not turn me off completely with the typical smoothness I've come to notice in LA men and have developed a distinct distaste for. This sort of thing, as usual, tends to lead to "Hey, I'm a terrible person" conversations with my volunteer therapist and friend Matthew, the general gist of his criticism being summed up as: "Okay, so you went out with someone who is intelligent, well educated, ambitious, cute, funny and just enough nerdy and esoteric, and - you really don't think you're going to go on a second date?"

Nooo. I don't know. Yes. No. Maybe I will, I don't know.

I can feel my fight or flee mechanism kicking in, and in cases such as these, it tends to default to "flee". See, my wonderful practical logic is that if I never actually like anyone, I won't get hurt. So, the walls go up, and I don't have to worry about getting emotionally attached. Clearly, this is an absolutely faulty strategy, and I know it, but fixing it isn't really on my priority list for now.

I don't think that trust is something I really have these days when it comes to attempting any sort of emotional connection with other people. I don't trust other people, and I don't trust myself, and certainly not any part of me that would generally be credited with creating delusions of compatibility.

I think what I'm actually trying to say is that on an objective level, I am inherently compatible with an awful lot of people, and that "finding someone I have a lot in common with" has never been difficult for me. But I wish that I were more prone to emotional subjectivity, and even maybe a bit of ridiculous, impractical, illogical girly-ness. I do get that way sometimes - but I always think about it later and logic wins out when the prediction is eventual heartbreak.

There's this song by the Dresden Dolls that I've been listening to on repeat, that has a general theme irrelevant to this post. But there's this one line that goes "you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart." And it still gets me every single fucking time.

Well anyway - I still create New Year's resolutions, because I still believe that I'll try.

For 2008, I think I'll try my best not to run away.