my mother's daughter.

It is my parents' anniversary tomorrow, and they will have been married for 26 years. My mother planned some romantic getaway, but naturally decided to bring her laptop.

So I'm sitting at work and she's talking at me over AIM, because she's found that I'm more likely to answer that than return phone messages.

Now, my mother is essentially an older version of me, except more inclined towards marriage and children, and better at welding.

She says, as I am mulling over a reasonably pointless report:

"When are you going to bring your boyfriend home?"

I take this opportunity to clean off my desk a little and go get a drink from the vending machine. She fills in the silence.

"If you maybe plan on liking him enough eventually, I'll like to meet him."

Wow, Mom.

In two concise sentences, my mother managed to:

1. imply, again and as per usual, my general emotional detachment.
2. guilt trip me about dating people(there will be more explanation later).
3. guilt trip me about not coming home enough.
4. convey her belief that I am in fact, unlikely to bring anyone home.
5. imply, however unsaid, that my brother has been bringing women home.

See, most mothers try to make you date someone. Anyone, it doesn't matter who they are, as long as they don't have too many piercings or tattoos or missing parts.

My mother does not.

Given, I haven't brought anyone home for about two years now, and there's been no one I've even touched suggestively in that time period without piercings or tattoos or missing parts. Well, I suppose she wouldn't known that that one boy was missing a testicle, but that was a exceedingly brief dalliance anyway. Oh, and that boy that I didn't know had a piercing or a tattoo until ALL the clothing came off. That didn't go anywhere either. Seriously, at least get some other part pierced or tattooed as well so I'm not completely surprised. But, I digress.

My mother discourages me from doing anything that will result in the embodiment of the three constants in my family that we talk about the least - alcoholism, infidelity and depression, all three of which have led various members of aforementioned family to death, and worse, family drama. I am not certain of this yet, but I strongly suspect that she believes that any relationship that I embark on will be a step towards me proving that I am in fact, her daughter and of this slightly fucked up lineage. My reassurances that I have yet to fulfill all three constants within the context of any relationship, and generally only one with each relationship, don't seem to make her feel too much better.

I'm beginning to truly believe that what my mother wants is for me to date a lot, and keep on telling her stories, but never getting to the point where I'd have to think about whether I wanted to bring them home or not, because I wouldn't.

She knows I am her daughter.

She raised me without a religion. She said I could figure it out myself later. Recently, she asked "Have you found which God to follow?" I said, "I don't think there is one."

"That's fine," she said, "I think there is one."

And that was that.

My mother knows that I am completely capable of repeating every mistake she has ever made. She knows I have an adjustable sense of morality. She knows that I stubbornly remain in relationships until I finally crack and dump boys over AIM. But she also knows that I am silly and inconstant, but never stupid. She knows that I will have adventures. She thinks I could use some therapy, but won't suggest it. She thinks my father is responsible for my emotional apathy, because he too is often as responsive as a brick.

And despite all this -

"You are a smart girl," she says.

By that, she really means, "If you fuck up, I know you'll weather it fine, and when you're a old, single, crazy cat lady and your boobs are saggy, I trust that you will have definitely lived and hopefully loved."