Goddamn, you half-Japanese girls
Do it to me every time
Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello
And I'm jello, baby
You won't talk, won't look, won't think of me
I'm the epitome of Public Enemy
Why you wanna go and do me like that?
Come down on the street and dance with me
~Weezer, El Scorcho
Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello
And I'm jello, baby
You won't talk, won't look, won't think of me
I'm the epitome of Public Enemy
Why you wanna go and do me like that?
Come down on the street and dance with me
~Weezer, El Scorcho
***
The first girl I couldn't stop looking at was a friend of mine from elementary school. I don't even remember her name, actually.
She was two grades ahead of me. I wasn't paying much attention when she got up on stage, wearing our standard pinafore dress uniform, and held her violin under her chin. And she just stood there, with her eyes closed, wearing makeup(she looked uncomfortable - I suspect her mother played a part), and played her violin and I don't even remember if she played well or not.
What I do remember is that she was absolutely gorgeous, and I could never speak to her without stammering ever again. Before I left the country and that school, I wanted to tell her that she was really pretty. But I was even more chickenshit at age 10 than I am today.
In high school, my girl friends idolized Winona Ryder and I kept pictures of Vanessa Mae in my binders. Unlike them, I didn't talk about my celebrity obsession - because really, when you idolize most celebrities, it's because you want to be them. I didn't want to be Vanessa Mae, because I knew I couldn't be. I had already tried my hand at the musical prodigy thing and five instruments later, I knew it just wasn't going to work out. Vanessa Mae, the ridiculously sexy young violinist, was a symbol of failure, but really - what a gorgeous symbol of failure!
It's funny, because I am completely apathetic towards Asian men. Also, I am really mostly straight, and am generally not attracted to most women, but Asian musician girls(especially bowed string instruments) just get me every time. I forget sometimes, but I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about this and very easily remembered. So that's on my list of obsessions - pretty Asian girls with long black hair in black orchestra dresses with a violin or viola or cello or double bass.
***
That said, it makes my general interaction with Asian women pretty ridiculously funny. If by funny, we mean either "antagonistic," "apathetic," or "uncomfortable."
I am a bad Asian girl. I don't mean the kind of bad Asian girl that you dress up in a cheongsam and then slap around for not rubbing your feet properly. I mean, I don't play instruments, didn't take math classes past pre calculus(although I fucking rocked geometric proofs), I date white boys, I don't own a designer purse. I have more domain names than I have shoes and I speak Chinese haltingly, at best.
My amateur anthropology attempt is that most Asian girls in those giggly little cliques are beta and omega females. They fit in by being the same. They can gain their place in society by owning a Dolce and Gabbana purse and Jimmy Choo shoes and dating a cute rich boy with a fast car while working a retail job at some hip boutique or as an accountant.
The alpha females are the ones that don't exist in that "typical" mold. They've adapted and carved a niche for themselves in this crazy city. They're feminist, liberal, and ridiculously stubborn. And there simply can't be that many alphas, so it is really a matter of who's going to be beta.
I'm not.
Ironically, this is not all too far from the reason I date white men.
An alternative term is "Twinkie", which is also yellow on the outside, and white on the inside.
Funny, because this is the reason I do not date Asian men.
After college, I entered a field with few women, and even fewer Asian women. I started meeting more Asian girls like me. Alpha Asian girls. And - fuck, if they weren't even more competitive than I was. I wasn't getting scorned for not being "fobby" anymore - now, I was that bitch who was going out for the same job, same man, same whatever.
It made no sense! I wanted to say "Hey, girl! We're kinda like each other. Let's be friends! We can watch Battlestar Galactica and read indie comics and make fun of import car models and talk about our crazy parents!"
No? I'm still a bitch?
Fuck.
Okay.
Back to the Asian girl musician thing. I have no doubt that this obsession stems in large part due to the alpha/beta struggle. I do not fail often. I have excelled in the vast majority of things I have ever attempted. I am always paranoid about it, but I also always get it right. Or I am very certainly convinced that I am right.
But music? Fuck that. My lack of musical aptitude is the most glaring failure in my life, and the one that is most apparent to my family. I have never completely failed at something I've tried - except this.
And so, when I look at the Asian girls with long black hair, in long black dresses, with their eyes closed, moving with the rhythm of their instrument and playing at perfect pitch - I recognize that I will concede alpha to them, and am thus smitten.
I am a bad Asian girl. I don't mean the kind of bad Asian girl that you dress up in a cheongsam and then slap around for not rubbing your feet properly. I mean, I don't play instruments, didn't take math classes past pre calculus(although I fucking rocked geometric proofs), I date white boys, I don't own a designer purse. I have more domain names than I have shoes and I speak Chinese haltingly, at best.
My amateur anthropology attempt is that most Asian girls in those giggly little cliques are beta and omega females. They fit in by being the same. They can gain their place in society by owning a Dolce and Gabbana purse and Jimmy Choo shoes and dating a cute rich boy with a fast car while working a retail job at some hip boutique or as an accountant.
The alpha females are the ones that don't exist in that "typical" mold. They've adapted and carved a niche for themselves in this crazy city. They're feminist, liberal, and ridiculously stubborn. And there simply can't be that many alphas, so it is really a matter of who's going to be beta.
I'm not.
When I moved to America, the Beta-Omega Asian girls tried to assimilate me into their cliques a little, but gave up because I wasn't stylish and I didn't like the import car boys. I lost my accent within a year. In college, I did not join the Asian Student Association. They tended to ignore me - I was too loud, too boisterous, too opinionated and too white.
The derogative term used here is "banana". Yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
The derogative term used here is "banana". Yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
Ironically, this is not all too far from the reason I date white men.
An alternative term is "Twinkie", which is also yellow on the outside, and white on the inside.
Funny, because this is the reason I do not date Asian men.
After college, I entered a field with few women, and even fewer Asian women. I started meeting more Asian girls like me. Alpha Asian girls. And - fuck, if they weren't even more competitive than I was. I wasn't getting scorned for not being "fobby" anymore - now, I was that bitch who was going out for the same job, same man, same whatever.
It made no sense! I wanted to say "Hey, girl! We're kinda like each other. Let's be friends! We can watch Battlestar Galactica and read indie comics and make fun of import car models and talk about our crazy parents!"
No? I'm still a bitch?
Fuck.
Okay.
***
Back to the Asian girl musician thing. I have no doubt that this obsession stems in large part due to the alpha/beta struggle. I do not fail often. I have excelled in the vast majority of things I have ever attempted. I am always paranoid about it, but I also always get it right. Or I am very certainly convinced that I am right.
But music? Fuck that. My lack of musical aptitude is the most glaring failure in my life, and the one that is most apparent to my family. I have never completely failed at something I've tried - except this.
And so, when I look at the Asian girls with long black hair, in long black dresses, with their eyes closed, moving with the rhythm of their instrument and playing at perfect pitch - I recognize that I will concede alpha to them, and am thus smitten.
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