thoughts on men - the primer.

Dates:

1. I know this should be obvious, but buying me dinner does not mean I'll sleep with you.

2. I won't argue with you too much if you make significantly more than I do, but if we're both starving artists, which most of you will tend to be, let's not bicker over splitting the check because that's just embarassing.

3. I do appreciate you opening the door, even if automatic locks means I can't really lean over and return the favour.

4. I don't really want to talk to you about your ex girlfriend on a first date. It just really isn't first date material.

5. I will ask you what your favourite book is almost immediately and I will judge you based on your answer. I keep a record of this in a spreadsheet. It's serious business.

6. I work a lot, so I talk about work a lot. Sorry. I really do think it's super cute when you tell me about your roles in high school musicals, though.

Fuck buddies:

1. I'm not the jealous type. Actually, I'm very not-jealous to the point that I don't even enjoy being competitive. I want to be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, most talented girl that you are currently sleeping with. If I'm not, that's okay and often expected, but I don't like being second best, so I won't sleep, or continue sleeping with you. Other women that will trigger my lack of desire to sleep with you: 18 year olds, women with headshots, women who are programmers, engineers or strippers.

2. I don't mind suggestions regarding overlapping fuckbuddy arrangements(is that a polite enough term for "threesomes"?). But c'mon - just because you don't have good taste in women doesn't mean I don't either!

3. Talking to me about ex-girlfriends/fuckbuddies/lovers is okay, talking to me about current ones is not, even if you're bitching about them.

4. Hide evidence. I know you're sleeping with other people, but I prefer not to reach over for my chapstick and accidentally poke a used condom. Also, used condoms? They go in the goddamn fucking trashcan.

5. I consider you a friend, as well as a sexual object. I know this violates a couple tenets of standard fuckbuddy rules. I'm not developing feelings for you, I just can't conscentiously have sex with someone that I didn't respect in a context other than sexual.

6. I have a bad habit of sleeping with people that I may have reason to spend a decent amount of time around in other situations, including but not limited to work, school and/or mutual friends. For clarity's sake, a date is not dinner/lunch/beer following/preceding/during work/school, it is not a "hey, let's hang out" and it is not a "what are you doing now/after this meeting/before rehearsal?" Forethought is what makes a date, and if you're a fuck buddy, I don't expect you to ever have any. So don't get paranoid about heading out to dinner. It's not a date. Refer to #5.


Boyfriends:

1. So, remember #1 of the fuckbuddy rules? The one about not being the jealous type? If you're my boyfriend, it doesn't count. I will be jealous. I will have an inferiority complex. I do like the women in your life, but only until my relationship with you feels threatened. It takes me quite a bit longer to get there than a lot of other women, but I will be angrier and more depressed and irrational than they are if it hits that point.

2. I want you. I know it often won't really seem like it. I work, I have my own group of friends, I simply don't have that much time and I am going to pursue this relationship regardless of it. I know, it is very selfish of me. "You can't have it all," my mother says - but I'm going to try anyway. I need you to talk me out of my panic attacks, my irrational thoughts and my bouts of insomnia. I need you more than I will admit to you, anyone else or even myself. I am paranoid when you don't pick up the phone. I'm independent and I'm pretty tough but I still want, and very much need, you.

3. If you don't like food, this is really not going to work out.

4. I do not want commitment. I really don't. But, I'm trying. Much harder than you think I am. This is at odds with #2 and I know that. That's why I'm trying really, really hard.

5. I hope you're not the jealous type because most of my friends are male.

6. I am afraid of breaking up, and I am very bad at it. When relationships don't fulfill me, I try to fill the gaps with something else. Sometimes, its other people. I've cheated, and I've "helped" other people cheat. I'm not proud of it, and I certainly feel like shit because of it and I'm trying to fix the issues I have that make me do it. And if or when I break up with you, I'm going to try my best to do it with complete truth and respect and hopefully, grace.